Custody Disputes

How should you handle the following situations?

• First - A mother calls you up and says “My husband and I are starting divorce proceedings and I don’t want him to pick up our child anymore.”

• Second – At the time of enrollment, the mother tells you that she is separated, but not divorced from the father. One day a man shows up at your program saying he is the father and is there to pick up his child. The child runs to him, saying “daddy, daddy!” You’ve never seen this man before.

• Third - Parents have joint custody and the father picks up the child on Fridays. The father tells you his new girlfriend will be picking up the child next Friday. The mother finds out and says she doesn’t want girlfriends picking up her child.

What a hassle!

It can be stressful when you find yourself being forced to act as a referee in disputes between parents. These parent disputes can get intense and many family child care providers wonder how they can avoid being caught in the middle.

Here is the general rule. Biological parents have equal rights to their children unless a court has limited their rights. This means a mother can't limit the rights of a father or vice versa.

So, in situation #1, if mother doesn't want the father to pick up the child, you cannot agree to this request. The mother must have some kind of court order before you can limit the ability of the father to pick up the child. A court order can be a divorce decree, order for protection, custody order, or restraining order.

Therefore, you would say to this mother, “I’m sorry but the father will be allowed to pick up the child until I have a copy of a court order that says he can’t.” If you refuse to give up the child to the father, it can be considered kidnapping.

What if the mother says she just received a court order giving her full custody of the child? You should reply, “Great. Send me a copy by fax, email or letter. But if the father shows up before I receive a copy, he will be allowed to take the child.” You should never take the word of a parent in this situation. Always allow the child to go with the biological parent until you have a copy of a court order.

In situation #2, you don’t know that the man picking up the child is the father. So, you should say to him, “I don’t want you to take the child because I don’t know who you are. Have a seat while I try to contact the mother.” If the man insists on taking the child, call 911. Do not lock the child in a back room and refuse to allow the man to take the child. Do not pull out a baseball bat and wave it at the father, as one provider told me she does.

No! Think of the liability issues. Try to resolve the problem peacefully, but don’t put yourself or children at risk. Let the police sort it out.

In situation #3 you have three choices. The father wants his girlfriend to pick up and the mother objects.

First choice – tell the mother and father that they each get to decide who to put on their own list of authorized people who can pick up their child. Neither party can veto the names on the other person’s list. If the girlfriend is on the father’s list, she can pick up.

Second choice -  Tell the parents they must come to an agreement and present to you one list of who is authorized to pick up the child on each day.

Third choice – Who do you like better? If you like the mother better, you can tell the father he can’t have his girlfriend pick up. Can you do this? Yes! Since the girlfriend is not the biological parent, she has no rights to the child.

In my opinion, choice #1 is the best option. Each parent should have the right to determine who can pick up on their day.

In summary, follow what a court order says. If you are not clear about what it says, ask the parent for clarification. If two parents don’t agree as to what the court order says, tell them you will call the police and ask them to sort it out unless they can agree.

I've talked with many family child care providers who find themselves in the middle of bitter custody fights between fathers and mothers. By following these guidelines you can reduce the stress on you and the child.

Tom Copeland - www.tomcopelandblog.com

Image credit: https://attorneyatlawmagazine.com/what-to-expect-when-you-go-through-child-custody-battle-with-your-ex